Awakening to You

Have you ever felt trapped inside of your life? Feeling hopeless, not knowing where to go or what to do yet desperately wanting it to get better? This has been a place I’ve found myself in many times throughout my life. I think Peggy Lee’s morbidly campy song “Is That All There Is?” sang true to both the sentiments of my desperations and my desires.

I have lived an extraordinary life. I have experienced things many never will, making unorthodoxed choices that went against the grain of the expectations of my upbringing. So many times the shame of disappointing my amazing, supportive and loving parents clouded the unweilding need to be a gypsy. To be free. Not all of my choices have led to incredible outcomes. In fact many of them created trauma, deep suffering and repercusions that will affect me for the rest of my life. 

When I made the choice to walk a path of enlightment, I had found myself caught in a web of disappointment, desperation, hopelessness and fear. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, nothing ever worked out for me. I was miserable and on a treadmill going nowhere. I remember thinking to myself, is this it? It this my life? Is that all there is? Yet, in all of the swarming darkness there has always been the softest whisper of hope. A knowing of something greater. That there was something big I was supposed to do. Some purpose for my soul being here on earth. I didn’t know what. I didn’t know how. But that soft little whisper kept me alive. It kept me going even when I couldn’t imagine hanging on even one more day. I remember crying as I looked to the sky, telling God that I was done trying. That I was willing to surrender. What ever grand purpose or plan I was here for, I was handing over the reigns. Many years later, I am still intentionally choosing to let go and surrender every single day.

This journey has not been easy. I had no idea how dark and painful this path would be. Every part of my being had to be deconstructed in order to become who I truly am. I wanted so desperately to escape the darkness yet I was being asked to willingly trust fall right into it. Like the aftermath of the most epic battle since the War with Hybern in A Court of Wings and Ruin, every single aspect of my life has crumbled to pieces since that day. I had to face my fears head on, to sit with the discomfort of my own darkness. I questioned everything I thought I knew about myself. I had to accept parts of myself that brought me so much shame and disappointment. But with each piece I was brave enough to hold, I began to discover my light. My authentic self waiting to shine. That whisper of hope who had waited decades to be free. 

Through my willingness to lean into the discomfort, I learned to embrace my shadows, to love the parts of myself I had been at war with. I discovered that my imperfections made me beautiful and unique. I found my worth. I learned how to love myself and I as I began to accept all parts of who I am, something magical happened. My inner light grew brighter. I began to embrace my gifts and to stand empowered in the authenticity of all that I am. This transformation has rippled out into every aspect of my life. I have found a sense of inner peace and purpose I had never known before. As I sit here today, I have a greater acceptance of the divine plan knowing this is the journey of my soul unfolding in each moment. Do I still struggle? Of course I do! But I am able to understand the deeper meanings of my challenges and know that each step I take is a step forward. That through acceptance and love, I am healing, growing and becoming exactly who I am meant to be and I would do it all again to be exactly where I am today. Shining my light and bringing love, hope and healing to the world around me. 

July 3, 2024 | Heather Harti, Soul Star Inspired Wellness

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